I had a therapy session today.
Context of the therapy session
I realized recently with a sense of concern, several patterns in my life. While there is certainly a part of me that judges these behaviors negatively – perhaps the part of me that read books about attracting women years ago, there is really nothing “right” or “wrong” about the things I was doing:
- Recently, I met a girl that I really connected with. As we talked more, I started noticing a trend of her taking too much responsibility for other people’s emotions. She said she feels guilty when other people feel embarrassed even if its no fault of her own; She doesn’t want to share deep personal topics with people, which she admitted is because she doesn’t want to be an emotional burden on other people. etc.
Ever since I began my therapy journey, I’ve struggled with the idea of doing it for myself. However, a thrilling idea to me, was to become more insightful about other people through becoming more insightful about myself, so that I could become “important” and “valued” through the act of helping them. So how do I experience this almost frantic desire to be important?
As I’m watching Youtube videos for myself, my brain subconsciously prefers to analyze relationships between what I’m watching and things I know about anyone besides myself. Right now, this person is the girl I’m into. When I came across things that reminded me of her and this guilt “issue”, I was overcome with excitement, and a strong urge to keep texting her timestamps to check out. I think it’s out of a desire to “fix” her and become important to her that way. Totally unsolicited. But soon, inevitably, a part of me would become critical, “stop, don’t text her, you’ll seem clingy or needy”, “she’ll think all you do every day is watch youtube videos and that you’re a loser.” - On the flip side of eagerly being useful to other people, my mind also has had a hurtful mechanism in past relationships. I realized in my first two month long relationship, that I have a tendency to tear people down in my mind so that they can be at my level, or beneath me. In particular, as I felt more insecure with my ex-girlfriend, I subconsciously projected all of my greatest insecurities, being lazy for example, onto her, and then mentally judged her for being lazy. While I never explicitly said these things to her, I’m sure she sensed the increased emotional distance and disrespect, and broke up with me.
So, as a pattern, I have a deep craving to be seen as good enough. This core wound and false belief of “I’m not good enough” drives all kinds of subconscious ways of thinking that I didn’t have the awareness or insight to try to understand before therapy.
So, what happened in therapy?
We talked about the two behaviors I just told you, and then more. My therapist then explored my emotional experience as I performed these actions (1) or lines of thinking (2). i.e.
- outward behavior: I send unsolicited advice to this girl I’m interested in.
internal experience: I am watching videos for myself, my mind is stuck in a habit of relating mental health content to other people. I get excited whenever I realize a good connection. I rarely think about myself consciously, I can only think about myself if I consciously set that as my intention. - behavior: I become distant with my girlfiend and mentally I am looking down on her.
internal experience: at the time, as I wasn’t practicing mindfulness/meditation, nor knowledgeable about psychology, I completely believed the thoughts that bubbled up tearing down my ex-girlfriend, and accepted the subsequent reality that she’s not good enough for me. The real internal experience that I wasn’t aware of at the time, while I cannot say for sure as I wasn’t aware of it, was likely that I was beginning to think I’m “not good enough”, and my mind began criticizing her to bring her down below my “level” in order to sooth that fear of losing her a.k.a abandonment, my main childhood trauma.
As the session progressed, my heart began to ache. We came to a place to in the therapy session where my therapist said,
“Let’s put this together. So, from what we’ve talked about last week and this week, it seems that your behavior in relationships point to several core beliefs of ‘I’m not worthy’, ‘I’m not good enough’, and ‘I’m not loveable’. Is that right?”
I nodded. And my therapist continued talking. But as she talked, I felt her words slipping away from me, as my awareness seemed to shrink away from the world. I struggled to keep in mind what she was saying, or my answers to her questions. I was dissociating.
My body had recognized that I was in an extremely emotionally vulnerable moment. My therapist, who I have a very close and trusting relationship with, had just reiterated to me my most hidden yet deeply held and painful core beliefs. This vulnerability was too much for me, so in reaction to this perceived threat, my body decided that it must retreat from the world, so it/I dissociated.
Several minutes later, I had the wherewithal and awareness to notice this and say, “I think I just dissociated when we started talking about my core beliefs. Maybe it was because I’ve never heard them said to me so succintly and bluntly, from someone I cared about.”
She paused, “… ok. Can you do me a favor? Could you cross your hands in front of your chest and put each hand on the opposite shoulder?”
I did so.
“Now close your eyes. Breath in and out. Feel the air entering and leaving your nose… Feel your belly rising up and down.”
“Now place your attention on your body. Look for any sensations in your chest. What are you feeling?”
I struggle to focus on my sensations, and squeak out a, “I think… my heart aches? and the back of my neck is getting a little tingly.”
She says, “Ok, let’s sit here a moment.”
I sit there, writhing in the discomfort of being allowed to feel, of being seen. A wiser part of me telling the younger part, that urgently wants to run away, to relax, that nothing bad is going to happen, that we’re in therapy and this exercise has worked many times before. The younger part of me seems to hate being seen far more than the parts I’ve spoken to before.
When I was going to therapy for the mental breakdown I had after an abandonment, that part deeply yearned to be loved. It easily received the words and attention my therapist and I gave it. The part I tried to contact today didn’t yearn to be loved in such an obvious way. he hid. he squirmed in the presence of attention and seemed to not want to be seen or loved.
And no wonder. If a childish part of you believes “I’m not worthy, good enough, or lovable”, it’s hardly a surprise that my body and this part of me was screaming at me to run away, either by talking my way out of the uncomfortable silence, or ending the session, or checking the time left in the session. All of which I tried to do.
After an excruciatingly long 30 seconds, I had caught up to the moment and decided that despite the intense discomfort, I would try to perform our routine visualization of a young child as the emotions I was feeling, and me walking over to provide words of affirmation and love to it. Even though even I, as a whole, the adult, also wanted to run away just like my “inner child”.
My therapist said, “ok, can we find Derek [the child derek in the visualization] and go over to him?”
“Sure, yes, I’m there.” I say. Intentionally placing my attention onto the sense of heart ache and away from the thoughts in my mind. I’ve done this with other parts of myself before, and knew that not thinking and just passively absorbing the impact of my therapists words is what allowed the technique to work.
“Can we hug him, and tell him ‘I know you really want to hide, and run away. I want you to know that you’re good enough as you are, worthy, and lovable. Thank you for letting us in, and I we won’t keep neglecting you. We’ll meet again.”
As she said these words, I imagined myself approaching a child, curled up in the corner of the room, looking away from me and ignoring me. I said those words to him with my therapist as my hand was around his thin shoulders.
Tears welled up, and I felt my heart ache melt and shift to a diffuse slight sense of nauseousness.
This nauseousness is still a mystery to me – it’s common for when my somatic sensations shift, for it to end up as a diffuse sense of nauseousness in the middle of my chest. I have been wondering recently if it’s actually disgust with myself. It fits in with the pattern of hiding/shame in the child I spoke to inside me today, but I haven’t tapped into the sensation enough to know if that feels true.
Soon after, my session ended. I lied down to try to continue provide/visualize nurturance and care for the child in me. Then reflected on what I’ve learned throughout the session.
Notably, while I have a good habit with negative emotions of pausing, noticing the emotion, then choosing an appropriate response rather than acting reactively, don’t have the same routine with positive emotions that reveal my insecurities. Specifically, I am much less compassionate, and much more judgmental, towards the excitement I feel to text someone I’m interested in, as the intensity of my craving for these people has damaged those relationships in the past.
I realize now, the compassionate approach I take towards my fear of abandonment should also be diligently applied to less conventionally “negative emotions”, such as the excitement I outlined above.
The goal isn’t to play any sort of texting game, but to not be texting compulsively. After I acknowledge my inner experience, I can still continue on to text, or not text, but in a more conscious way.
My first post is getting a little long so I’ll stop here. I’m worried that it’s a bit rambly, but I’m posting it anyways. Please let me know anywhere it’s confusing, what you’d like to know more about, or anything you think would improve your experience of it. Negative comments welcome but be warned I’ll be engaging with you with lots of questions to understand where ur coming from 😉
Holding my heart 